Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
