nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
