The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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