Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
