Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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