Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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