My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
