You smell like a Billy Joel song
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
