you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
