Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
