I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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