you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
