my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He better not be in your backpack
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
