Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
