Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
