She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
