i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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