Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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