not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
