i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
