I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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