someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
