It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
splinters make it hard to masturbate
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
