I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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