I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
