I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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