You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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