apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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