He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
