So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
