Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
