i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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