Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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