Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
