why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
