i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
