Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
