If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
