Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
