My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
