I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
