Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
