Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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