Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Randomize
