I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
