I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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