So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
