I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
