Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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