When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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