Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
