Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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